Mute

I have nothing to say. I have been wondering, though, why it's so hard to remember and hang on to the good (trust, faith, love, hope) yet so easy to let the bad in (doubt, fear, misery, hopelessness). Why is it that I could be facing, eye to eye, a happy and joyful day, and the very next morning (maybe even the very next breath), be overcome with fear for what's to come. Why do I ruin it?

Things are going fine, lately. I'm not sure if it's the very realness of the possibility of the Czar having to move for a new job, but I've been on the receiving end of some random acts of affection lately... and it really weirds me out. I'm suspicious of it. I don't buy it. Regardless, I should not fall into despair because I received a "Have a good day" text.

Every morning this week, I've woken up already in a state of panic. In the shower, at the sink, in my car, the panic follows me. I wonder if this poison can ever be extracted, or is it there forever? Or maybe it's just that I know doom is coming and that anything good has to be patiently waited for. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

Eventually, though, even I get tired of holding my breath, peering around each corner. At that point, I have to just shrug my shoulders, grab my coffee, and keep going.

Brave Laughter

Sometimes, putting on a brave face is harder than whatever it is you're supposed to do after you've put the face on. But despite everything, I feel like even the smallest steps I take add something. They add a new soldier to my army. They add a breath the my lungs.

I've had a rough time crawling out of this particular hole, but I've chosen to believe that no matter how dark it looks right now, something good is coming. It's hard to believe that when I'm in the depths, but I chose to stop the dark thoughts, to believe that my life is not joke, and to trust in the ones who I know love me. The others I'll worry about later. I think sometimes that maybe the one happy sprinkle is meaningless in this giant chasm, but this weekend, I was given a few sprinkles, and I cherished them.

Sometimes you don't want to laugh, because it's a lie. To crack a smile would mean that you're letting that glimmer of light in, and that's a lie. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to let yourself laugh. I'm thankful for those who helped me to be brave this weekend.